A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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