why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
