I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
