I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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