I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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