I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Randomize
