i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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