Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
