I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
