this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
