Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
