After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
