Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
