mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
