That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The uberlube is also flammable
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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