i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
