Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
