just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
