Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
