no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
