A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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