I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
