I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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