he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
