Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
