things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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