I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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