guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
