I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
