yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
