My Higher Power is John Stamos
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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