he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
