Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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