Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
