I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
