I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
