I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
im holly from the hills drunk
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
