just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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