I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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