dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
