i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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