mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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