um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
