i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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