I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
