how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
