I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
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This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
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Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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