don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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