don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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