so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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