I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
