I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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