plz talk dirty to me
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
