did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
