Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
