YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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