I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Also, beer. Big fan.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
