He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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