God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We had to coat check the pizza.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm at about main and main street
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
