Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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