Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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